the thing about rejection
from my heart, to yours.
On a Sunday night in June 2020, my then-partner and I sat on his apartment floor in tears.
We nodded at each other in forced defeat: “This has become so toxic. It isn’t going to work”.
Almost 5 years into our relationship, we were planning an engagement and wedding when a web of lies started to unravel. In the end, he had been dishonest about his parents’ knowledge of me because he knew they would reject me as his wife. We tried to resist the truth. It brought out the worst in both of us.
The most painful rejection I’ve ever received came that night, in the form of his mother screaming insults at me through the speakerphone, and him agreeing with her.
The next day, I put my dissertation on pause, moved home with my parents, and spent the next few weeks just trying to keep afloat in the infinite ocean of grief.
It took months for me to feel joy again. It felt like my future was over.
But like all things in life, it passed.
With a broken heart, I crushed my dissertation defense, published two final works of research, and scored three competing job offers before graduation.
Experimenting with rejection in love and work, one at a time
This is a timeline of all my major adult-life rejections (PINK = Love Life, BLUE = Work Life). You can see how much each one hurt and how long it lasted.
I think it’s pretty obvious which bar represents the story I just told 😅. Here’s what happened next.
I spent the rest of my 20s stable in work, but experimenting in love.
Literally.
As a data modeler and research scientist, I treated dating as a personal experiment.
I dated a diverse set of people to hone my own intuition for compatibility. It made me painfully aware of what characteristics worked with my attachment style, communication, and love language—and my own shortcomings.
I went to therapy, got faster at trusting my gut, and more graceful in seeing the goodness in every guy. Even if he wasn’t for me.
Whenever things ended, I felt the sharp pain of heartbreak, and life sucked for a bit. But I always came back with a better understanding of 1) what I needed to work on and 2) what the right partner would feel like.
In the trenches of my first heartbreak, I wrote a “letter to my future husband” that described the latter.
I reopened that letter a few years after meeting Keegan. We were still working through several things, but my gut knew he was the one.
I am so grateful for all the rejections that led to him because he is the best decision I’ve ever made.
Stable in partnership, experimenting in work
With my relationship stable, my compass of self-actualization turned towards work.
(For the record, “stability” does not mean tensions don’t exist. It means there’s enough love and respect underneath them that they don’t scare us.)
I took a huge bet on myself 3 years ago by quitting a stable cushy job. You can read about that leap here.
I felt the pull of my energy towards values that were personally calling to me: community and creativity. I realized I had several buckets of interests: fitness coaching, ultramarathoning, digital design, storytelling, data visualization.
I had no direct experience in any of those buckets. I went for opportunities and got rejected. Many pilates studios passed me up because they didn’t know me well enough (I’d just moved). I poured my creative energy into a data visualization fellowship that took months to reject me. I made it to the final round of multiple competitive job interview processes, without getting the offer. I’ve even applied for nonprofit or volunteer opportunities that passed me up. I’m talking about a 90% rejection rate.
Making a pivot at the midsenior to senior level is difficult. People tend to choose others based on experience, rather than competence or potential.
I’ve always excelled at work, so facing rejections before people even take a chance on me has been tough.
But here’s the thing about rejection
Take a look at the chart again–I’ll paste it here for good measure. I think there’s a clear takeaway:
Over time, the rejections get a little less painful and pass a lot more quickly
The biggest things I’ve learned:
Embarrassment is not real. It’s a hypothetical thing about you that someone is hypothetically thinking.
Thank you to Caroline Winkler for this one
When you get a rejection, WELCOME the unsavory feelings. And then it will pass.
Fuck optimism right now. Cry, scream, write, rant to a friend. Meet the hurt with an open heart. The longer you avoid it, the more it festers and the bitterer you’ll get. Eventually you will implode. Ask me how I know.
Overthinking, binary thinking, and harsh judgement is a sign you’re avoiding an emotion
Is it shame? Sadness? Anger? Our rational mind will try to protect us from feeling these emotions. But like above, anything you avoid only becomes louder. You’re shutting out the younger version of yourself who is experiencing these emotions. Hang out with Little You instead.
Joe Hudson is my favorite mindset coach.
Take action when you feel abundance and calm, never when you feel fear
When you feel fear or anxiety, the answer is to slow down. Any action you take when you’re scared will beget more fear.
What’s meant for you will want you just as much as you want it.
The only real win is a Win-Win. Don’t cling to expectations, don’t chase the things that turn away from you. Enjoy the process, let go of the steering wheel, and follow your joy.
Rejection is a necessary and expected part of growth.
It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, it means you’re inching closer to the right opportunities/person. So treat rejections as assets to collect.
What’s coming almost certainly has to be better than what’s just passed.
Beautiful post. Thank you for opening up and sharing your personal experience –with all its ups and downs. It is inspiring, I always learn something from you! 💛